A Revelation

I had my therapy appt. today, and it was a pretty good one this time. As doc was filling out papers, he listed one of my conditions as PTSD. In all of my research, it never occurred to me that this was actually what is preventing me from pursuing my dreams. Is it possible? Could this one thing that I WILL resolve be the key to overcoming all of the emotions, fears, and anxieties that have plagued me for years? As of now, it feels right. He suggested an idea to me today or actually he suggested two. The first one was to picture myself in a theater. Then I was to picture myself in the projection room, but yet still in the auditorium watching the screen. I then played a movie of my traumatic event across the screen in black and white. This one just wasn't working for me. I'm not sure why. The second one was to reach out to the little girl that I was when the event happened and console her with what I know now as an adult. This technique feels right to me. I know what words to say to that little girl of 1985. Wondering what that event was that could leave me so devastated? In 1985 on June 30, my father committed suicide. He was pronounced dead on July 1. Eight days later on the 9th I celebrated my 14th birthday. Some birthday, huh. I guess this could explain why I never make a big deal with my birthday, but I do for everyone else. That was a pivoting moment in my life where my world was undergoing changes. I had signed up for my freshman classes the month before and was eagerly anticipating my first year there. My birthday was coming up where I would've invited my friends over for a small party, and life was just good then. What took place that night so long ago, was something that noone should ever have to endure. It completely turned my world upside down, and I feel it has never been the same since. Actually I know that it hasn't. I do realize that I have anger towards my dad and that is to be expected. There are so many things that he missed out on that I wanted so much for him to be there. My graduation, the birth of my son, and my marriage to my 2nd husband. The first one isn't worth mentioning. It was a goof on both our parts. The only smart thing that came out of the was my son. It's not solely that I'm angry because he isn't here to be apart of everyday life with me as it is that I will never get to ask him, "Why!?". I will never have answers to these questions that occasionally pop into my head now. Over the years it has slowed. Sometimes I wonder if I do really want those answers. Is it just best for me to accept that I won't know and to just move on which I have but not completely. This is something that I WILL resolve now that I think I am going in the right direction. I guess you could say that this story will be continued...