There is one question in my life...

that I have contemplated over and over and still do not have an answer. What is my life path or purpose in life? Do you ever think about this question? I have thought about it off and on over the years but have really been thinking hard these past few. I have the book The Purpose Driven Life and started reading it but never finished. I have a bad habit of that. You know the "starting something and then not finish it". It's a constant rumbling in the back of my brain that doesn't let up, "what am I supposed to be doing?" I don't believe that my life goal was to be working at a dead end job paying off a bankruptcy for the next five years. In fact I know that's not what I should be doing. Deep down in my soul I know that there is something that I am supposed to be doing with my life, but I just can't seem to figure it out.

They say that usually you should do something that interests you. Well, writing, reading, playing around on the computer and Internet, video games, and photography are what interests me. Now what could I possibly turn into a career with those interests. I've tried studying photography under the NYIP courses, but alas never finished. The same with web design under Penn Foster Career School. I blame my work for not having the motivation. It's extremely hard for me to concentrate with the hours that I keep. My brain usually stays clouded and exhausted which causes me to have problems concentrating. I enjoyed both courses very much. I actually enjoyed the web design course more so. That is one thing that I had thought of. I would very much love to go back to school and study web design. With my working hours though that is just not possible.

I love to write. Words often dance in my head and I must put those "steps" down on paper. It's normally in the form of poetry although I have tried writing stories. Again everything falls under the "I start something but don't ever finish it". It would be interesting to try something freelance, but I don't know exactly what that would be or even where to look. I've toyed with the idea of trying to come up with my own online magazine about blogging. Wow two interests that I love doing. I also feel that this could be something that I would feel passionate about. My lack of confidence in myself holds me back on this one. It would seem a daunting task for me to take on by myself and I could ask people if they would want to jump on the magazine bandwagon with me, but I don't have the funds to pay said people for their time and service. Also, what would I write about, how would I come up with the design, etc, etc, etc. Doubts surround me enough that I would not attempt this.

So what's left for me to do? Do I stay working at a dead end job that leaves me wanting so much more for myself? I don't know. I'm hoping that maybe the thing that I am supposed to be doing with my life will somehow just fall from the sky right into my lap, and if that happens I plan to grow me a money tree right in my back yard. So now I pose the question to you. Do you ever wonder what your life path or purpose in life is to be?

Later

Will 2007...

be the year for changes for me? One thing is for certain. I am determined to change my mentality and negative way of thinking. So much so in fact that today at my therapy session was my first try with hypnosis. Yep. I'm trying hypnosis for gaining self confidence to help me with learning to drive and dealing with other people's opinions of me. That is my main holdback on alot of things that I would like to do. For some unknown reason, I am constantly being concerned about what other people think of me and the things I do. I know I shouldn't let what other people think bother me, but I do. I'm really working hard on trying to change this though.

A funny thing occurred during my session today. Here's how it went. Wyrm accompanies me during my sessions so we both entered the Dr.'s office and took seats. After the routine chit chat of how I'm doing, off go the lights and the hypnosis tryout begins. Here I am. Trying to relax and let my muscles relax, eyelids relax, and everything relax. Does it work? Not totally. I could only get so far until I became very aware of my irritating sore throat, the burning sensation in my nose (I still have this yucky crud thing going on), and every joint in my body starts aching including my problem ankle and foot. After a few minutes of trying to fight past this point in order to relax, I decided to just give up and go with it just concentrating on what the doctor was saying. So here I am trying to relax, joints aching, throat sore, burning sensation in my nose, just listening to the sound of his voice that is low and soothing and then what else do I hear? Zzzzz. Huh!? My darling husband is sitting in the chair next to me snoring. Of all things to reach my subconscious and get through that was the one and I got so tickled. Out I came of whatever state I was in (I don't think I was fully under) and started laughing. Even the doctor was laughing too. Poor hubby is sitting in the chair with his goofy grin saying, "What's going on?" I playfully slap him on his knee.

"You ding dong. You're over there snoring."

"I was snoring?" was Wyrm's astonished reply.

"Yes, you were snoring. He was supposed to be putting me under. Not you!" I answer amidst laughter.

And with that my psychologist excused us for the day making note of the awareness that I had of my joints for the next session to somehow incorporate it in. We made my appointment for the next visit and then it was off to home.

Later

"Little Girl Lost"

There is a part of my soul that has become frozen in time. She is a "little girl" at the tender age of 13, and she dwells in that part of my being called "my unconscious mind". She has become locked in the year of 1985 and is too terrified to venture out into today. She is horrified at the thought of "change". To her static, unchanging, same, unmoving, rigid, etc. are safe. She absolutely cannot accept change. To color outside the lines is an unthinkable and horrendous thought. Routines must be simple and consistent and must be followed. Any degree of "differentiation" and her world would come to an indescribable end. It is impossible for her to try new and different things. She is in a constant state of worry and checking to make sure that her boundaries are stable and secure. No one may enter these boundaries that she has built and neither can she escape from them. To know the "world" on the outside would be too demanding of her being and too much turmoil for her mind. The outside is full of "imperfections" and if she were to venture into that unknown, she would become overwhelmed with the enormous task of fixing those "imperfections". A task that she knows is impossible to do and would be doomed to fail. "Failure" is not acceptable. She must erase "failure" from her mind, her being, and her soul. All of her possessions, her thinking, her doing, her being, must be "perfect". There cannot be any flaws in anything of hers or of her. Each day she awakes to the daunting task of "fixing" her surroundings, and each day she lies down utterly exhausted, disappointed, angry, and depressed that she wasn't able to "fix" all of her surroundings. She sleeps fitfully knowing that with the next day the same daunting task is there to laugh at her. There is no ending. This "little girl lost" is in a never-ending cycle of strict regime. Nothing is allowed to falter or her "safe place" will forever be lost. She is so tired now and just wishes that she could accomplish the ultimate "fix" for everything that is troubling her from past, present, and in the future. There are times where she wants to attempt something different, to experience adventures in life, to explore her surroundings, and learn new things, but she knows that she mustn't do this. It would allow "failure" to sneak in and unravel all that she has managed to hold together. "Failure" is not allowed.

To be continued...

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A Revelation

I had my therapy appt. today, and it was a pretty good one this time. As doc was filling out papers, he listed one of my conditions as PTSD. In all of my research, it never occurred to me that this was actually what is preventing me from pursuing my dreams. Is it possible? Could this one thing that I WILL resolve be the key to overcoming all of the emotions, fears, and anxieties that have plagued me for years? As of now, it feels right. He suggested an idea to me today or actually he suggested two. The first one was to picture myself in a theater. Then I was to picture myself in the projection room, but yet still in the auditorium watching the screen. I then played a movie of my traumatic event across the screen in black and white. This one just wasn't working for me. I'm not sure why. The second one was to reach out to the little girl that I was when the event happened and console her with what I know now as an adult. This technique feels right to me. I know what words to say to that little girl of 1985. Wondering what that event was that could leave me so devastated? In 1985 on June 30, my father committed suicide. He was pronounced dead on July 1. Eight days later on the 9th I celebrated my 14th birthday. Some birthday, huh. I guess this could explain why I never make a big deal with my birthday, but I do for everyone else. That was a pivoting moment in my life where my world was undergoing changes. I had signed up for my freshman classes the month before and was eagerly anticipating my first year there. My birthday was coming up where I would've invited my friends over for a small party, and life was just good then. What took place that night so long ago, was something that noone should ever have to endure. It completely turned my world upside down, and I feel it has never been the same since. Actually I know that it hasn't. I do realize that I have anger towards my dad and that is to be expected. There are so many things that he missed out on that I wanted so much for him to be there. My graduation, the birth of my son, and my marriage to my 2nd husband. The first one isn't worth mentioning. It was a goof on both our parts. The only smart thing that came out of the was my son. It's not solely that I'm angry because he isn't here to be apart of everyday life with me as it is that I will never get to ask him, "Why!?". I will never have answers to these questions that occasionally pop into my head now. Over the years it has slowed. Sometimes I wonder if I do really want those answers. Is it just best for me to accept that I won't know and to just move on which I have but not completely. This is something that I WILL resolve now that I think I am going in the right direction. I guess you could say that this story will be continued...

Meet My Family

If you've been keeping up with reading my space, you will know that I talk about my family. Well, I'm getting tired of calling my hubby hubby and my son son and my sis sis. My mom's okay. I usually call her mom anyway. I've decided to give the people that I mention nicknames and a description: Wyrm-this is my husband. He's really into online gaming and Dungeons and Dragons. He does have a soft side to him but rarely shows it to the world. He just turned 34 and shares the same birthday with my son. CR-this is my son. He just recently turned 15 and will be a sophomore at high school next term. He is the light of my life. He shares the same birthday with my husband. Mom-obviously my mom. She's 68 and loves working with her flowers and crafts. Took-this is my sister and she would kill me if she knew that I was using her childhood nickname (it's actually tookums). She's 31. T-this is my close friend. We've been friends since high school. She turned 35 in March. I'll catch up to her in July. Grandma-obviously my grandmother on my mom's side. She's one tough lady with what she has been through these past few years. She's had heart surgery, is dealing with lumps in her breast and has lost her youngest daughter last year. I admire her.

Let Me Tell You About Myself

Please note that this is subject to change as things are added/deleted 1. My fave color is blue 2. I love to write. I've been writing since I was about 6 years old. I can remember sitting at the kitchen table and writing my very first poem that I gave as a gift to my mother. She still has that poem to this day in a frame. 3. I love to read. My favorite book series are The Little House Books: I've been reading and rereading those since I was in grade school, Star Wars novels: I am a big collector of Star Wars novels. I have all kinds. My fave in those was the New Jedi Order series, Harry Potter: I got hooked on these after I saw the first movie. I also enjoy the Resident Evil series(based on the popular video game), sci-fi, teach your self, CSI series, and so many more that I have on my bookshelf in my room. 4. I love photography. I don't feel that I'm all that great at it, but I love packing my camera and taking pictures. If you are interested in seeing more photos that I have please feel free to email me, and I will send you the link to where I have them uploaded. 5. I love mexican and italian foods. Burritos, enchiladas are faves along with lasagna, spaghetti, fettucini. Yum! 6. I am still stuck in the 80's. This is the music that I grew up on and still have it stuck in my head and in my CD collection. I also enjoy listening to The Cranberries, LaBouche, Eiffel 65, Cyndi Lauper, Stevie Nicks, Fleetwood Mac, Madonna(the older songs), B-52's, Human League, Jann Arden, The Corrs, Loreena McKennit, Enya, Mary Chapin Carpenter(I love her songwriting), Bellamy Brothers, Brooks & Dunn, Trisha Yearwood, LeAnn Rimes, Dwight Yoakum, and much, much, more. I love listening to songs of the 50's, 60's, 70's, and 80's. I love Rock, Pop, some easy listening, country, a little bit of heavy metal, some classical, dance. 7. If I had to describe me, I would say that I am very shy, but kind. I give respect to those who I feel deserve it, I like being around older people a little more than I do younger(I can relate to older people more), very self critical, emotional, artsy(I would love to learn to paint and play musical instruments), reserved, loyal. 8. My fave games to play are Spyro the Dragon, Resident Evil, and Star Wars games. 9. I feel like I'm terrible at cooking. In fact, I don't really like cooking. 10. I've been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder. Sounds like fun don't it. I am currently on medication for it and trying hard to work on changing things. It's slow going, but family has said that they've seen a change in me for the better. 11. I suffer from rosacea. Usually it doesn't bother me until people start staring consistently when I'm having a really bad flare up, but there are times when I go out that I would just like to have a clear face without looking like a stop sign. For me, I have found a makeup that I'm satisfied with. Sheer Cover really camouflages the redness, bumps, and veins about 98 percent. Nothing will ever completely cover it, but this so far works really well. So far my known triggers for flareups are: extreme hot/cold conditions, hot foods/drinks, and caffeine.

Red Face Free

It was so nice to be out in public without the noticeable flaming red cheeks, forehead, chin, and nose. I tried my new makeup, and it pretty much lasted for the whole shift. One cheek was starting to show a little pink, my nose was starting to shine through a little bit , but other than that, I am very well pleased with the foundation. It felt so light like I didn't have any makeup on at all. I am totally satisfied with the product. Work, work, work. It puts a damper on things that I would like to do. I really need to get up off my lazy butt and do some studying, but by the time I get home, I just don't feel like using my brain anymore and end up just relaxing in front of the computer before I go to bed. Speaking of bed, that's where I need to get in about an hour. We need to get up early and head into town for some errands which we were supposed to do yesterday morning, but the hubby goofed around until it was too late. I'm going to try again to get him up and going. I believe I will be adding a new module and have my own "Pick of the Week". This will of course be blogs of my choosing and possible some websites. Site/blogs will be chosen for either content and/or template design. I love surfing blogs and looking at the different template designs. It's like looking into the blogger's personality. I may do an introduction in a blog entry and also add to the module. I don't really know just yet. Well, it's time for me to wind down, get some shuteye, and start a new day. Later

This Is Absolutely Amazing (Talking About Rosacea)

And no, I don't mean that rosacea is amazing. I'm talking about this new makeup that I ordered. Sheer Cover. I never in my wildest dreams believed that I could get rid of the red on my face and the small veins, but, voila, it is totally gone and looks so natural. I had the makeup applied in just seconds with no messes or anything like I usually do. I'm not very makeup savvy(that's my sister's category), but this was just lickety split and you're done. It actually does what it advertises, and there isn't that heavy makeup feel that you have with ordinary cosmetics. This will be perfect to use during the week at work and on the weekends just dress it up with eyeshadow mascara and blush. I'm completely amazed and totally satisfied. Will post before and after photos later on for those that are interested. I'm sold with Sheer Cover! Later Later

Things I Wish I Had the Courage To Do

Learn To Drive: This is a big issue with me. I'm 34 years old, and I do not have my driver's license. I've never been comfortable behind the wheel. It's almost like I try to drive and the least little mistake I make causes me to fall apart. I'm always worried what the other driver's think of my driving(if I'm too slow, too fast, not turning fast enough, turning too fast, etc.). If I could get that worry out of my head, I can go places that I've never been able to go before, and I won't have to hear my hubby complain about having to take me wherever I need to go.

Publish My Own Book of Poetry: I am so negative about my own work. Everyone has told me that my poems are really good, but I just can't believe that they are. I love to write poetry, and I would love to someday be a published author, but my constant fear of people rejecting my work gets in the way.

Stand Up For Myself: I have a real problem with this. I am constantly letting people use me as a human doormat. I've never been able to stand up for myself or issues that I believe. I'm always afraid that other people will be upset with me, and for some strange reason, I just can't have that.

Self Confidence: If I had the confidence in myself that others have in theirselves, I could do so many things. I am the happiest when my nose is in a computer. I love to learn different things, but I'm terrified of making mistakes in front of people. I can't handle criticism very well, either. If I was beaming with confidence, I would have graduated from college, be working with computers, working with web design, and so much more. This is what my anxiety and personality problems have prevented me from doing over the years. I have basically become a turtle of some sorts and withdrawn into my "safe" shell. I would give anything if there was a magic pill that I could take that would make all of my insecurities go away. Later

My Constant Companion-Rosacea

I have been afflicted with this annoying disorder since I was about 30-31. For years, I just put it off as having been in the cold too long or my cheeks were chapped. After viewing a commercial about rosacea, I wondered if this was what was wrong with my cheeks. I consulted a family doctor and was prescribed metrogel. Well, everytime I am diagnosed with something I have to research it. I can't explain why, but I have to find every bit of information I can find on whatever is ailing me, be it my anxiety issues, tendonitis, plantar fasciitis, etc. In my research, I discovered that I am one of 14 million Americans that is plagued by this problem that has no known cure. I found at the rosacea site many interesting things about this disorder. I fall under the Subtype 1 (erythematotelangiectatic rosacea) with the characteristics of the flushing and persistent redness along with visible blood vessels. Every once in awhile I will break out with small bumps. This falls under the Subtype 2 (papulopustular rosacea). Although the metrogel works with where I work it is almost impossible to avoid the triggers that cause my flareups. My work is stressful for me plus it is a cold environment. Extreme cold/heat, hot foods are a few of my triggers. Caffeine is another trigger, and I eat a lot of chocolate due to stress so it is kind of hard for me to keep my flareups under control. From what photos I have seen, I don't feel that my rosacea is as bad as others. Any which way, I don't let it keep me from going out in public. I have a hard enough time dealing with people anyway to let my red face interefere and make things harder. Besides, my coworkers have been very good and haven't made fun of me or made jokes about my condition. They are curious, and I don't mind someone asking me questions about it. There are times though(like when I dress up to go out)that I wish I didn't have this problem. Normally I don't wear makeup because of my sensitive skin, but I do wear it on occasion. The makeup that I have though doesn't hide it completely. You can still see my red cheeks and it looks as though I don't know how to apply my blush. This is why I have been online looking for some possible solutions to my makeup problem where I can apply it and it will hide the redness. My redness covers practically my whole face. I have what they call the butterfly pattern where I am red on my cheeks and across my nose. I also have red patches on my forehead and chin, and sometimes, if the flareup is really bad, it will go all the way down my neck. I get quite a few stares when I'm having a flareup. It's really annoying, but I can understand why people look. My face can turn as bright red as a stop sign. I mean it really looks like blood will pour from my cheeks at any moment. Hopefully researches will be able to find a cure in my lifetime, until then I guess this is what I have to look forward to in growing older. Later

To the Doctor Yet Again!

Can't ya tell that I've had enough. He at least gave me some ideas to try on different people. It still doesn't help the fact that I hate it at work. Oh to be at home with my nose in the computer. Is there a job out there where you don't have to deal with the people? I wish. At least according to Dan everybody's been asking about me. That's a nice feeling to know that I'm actually liked. We discussed the mishap with the blog. I in no way have any regrets or bad feelings. It's like I told him, my intentions weren't to insult and I didn't. Nor did I bad mouth anyone in anyway. I just simply vented my feelings is all. It's not my fault that someone misconstrues what I wrote. Want to know a little secret. That's exactly why I don't like dealing with people. Can't control them whatsoever. You say one thing and they take it to mean something else. Yep, that's the story of my life. Being totally misunderstood. Oh yippeee! I get to go back to work tomorrow. Like, I'm so excited. Not!!! I am so miserable at that place it's not even funny. C'est la vie, must have that green stuff in order to give it to everyone else.

The Therapy Session

I always love my therapy sessions (insert sarcasm here). It's always basically the same thing. I'm not going to get any better or change myself overnight. But I guess I must do what is best for me, right? Picked up meds for my high blood pressure and my ambien. I'm having trouble sleeping again for some reason. I've ordered a new bed and mattress in hopes that will help solve some of the problem. I'm at the point where I wake up tired even though I've slept through the night. I'm even back to falling asleep again in the car on the way to work. I can't take the ambien during the week due to work and needing at least 8 or more hours to sleep. I usually wait till the weekend where I can lay in bed until I sleep it out so to speak. Like right now. I'm tired, but as soon as I hit the bed I will toss and turn till probably around 3 or 4 in the morning. I would like to switch jobs and see if that helps by ridding me of some of the stress that I keep. Oh well, we all can't have what we want.

A Little About Me

I started this blog without a description of who I am. I am a quiet type person. I've been this way ever since I can remember. I've always had a hard time relating and talking with people. I never dated in high school, never went to the dances, and never went to the prom. I've always been extremely uncomfortable with groups. I've always felt like I was being judged and could never fit in or wasn't good enough. I spent all of my life this way. Well after about 4 years of work, I kind of had a breakdown. I managed to go to the doctor and they referred me to a psychologist. Since then I have been on different medications and referred to another psychologist after the first left the area. I have been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) and Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder(OCD). It's quite a combination to say the least. I'm having problems with my hubby and now with the other blog where I vented some feelings, there are problems with the in-laws. The big problem is that my hubby can't accept who I am. He is constantly wanting me to do things that I am just not comfortable with. I'm not comfortable with driving. The other people on the road just drive me nuts. I'm always self conscious about how they think of my driving and I know that I shouldn't be. Also, when he introduces me to someone, he gets irritated when I make an excuse to leave. I'm sorry, but I have never been one for small talk. I feel like an idiot just standing there trying to think of something to say. And that's what the big blowup was on my other blog. I was irritated with him and wrote some things. Yes, I knew there was a possibility of his mom finding it but I wasn't worried cause I thought that I had them understanding things, but I guess not. I can't help it that I'm not comfortable around them. I can't help it that I feel like an idiot smiling like there is nothing wrong, when inside I am wanting to just get away because I can't deal with the situation. Anyway, I'm not worried if she's upset with me or not. My hubby is constantly upset with me and I'm getting to the point where I am getting angry with him. I am tired of feeling like I have to change my way of thinking, my way I do things, just to be what everyone else considers normal. Noone has bothered to think that they are making things harder on me. Well that's the gist of who I am. Check the links to find out more about AvPD and OCD