"Little Girl Lost"

There is a part of my soul that has become frozen in time. She is a "little girl" at the tender age of 13, and she dwells in that part of my being called "my unconscious mind". She has become locked in the year of 1985 and is too terrified to venture out into today. She is horrified at the thought of "change". To her static, unchanging, same, unmoving, rigid, etc. are safe. She absolutely cannot accept change. To color outside the lines is an unthinkable and horrendous thought. Routines must be simple and consistent and must be followed. Any degree of "differentiation" and her world would come to an indescribable end. It is impossible for her to try new and different things. She is in a constant state of worry and checking to make sure that her boundaries are stable and secure. No one may enter these boundaries that she has built and neither can she escape from them. To know the "world" on the outside would be too demanding of her being and too much turmoil for her mind. The outside is full of "imperfections" and if she were to venture into that unknown, she would become overwhelmed with the enormous task of fixing those "imperfections". A task that she knows is impossible to do and would be doomed to fail. "Failure" is not acceptable. She must erase "failure" from her mind, her being, and her soul. All of her possessions, her thinking, her doing, her being, must be "perfect". There cannot be any flaws in anything of hers or of her. Each day she awakes to the daunting task of "fixing" her surroundings, and each day she lies down utterly exhausted, disappointed, angry, and depressed that she wasn't able to "fix" all of her surroundings. She sleeps fitfully knowing that with the next day the same daunting task is there to laugh at her. There is no ending. This "little girl lost" is in a never-ending cycle of strict regime. Nothing is allowed to falter or her "safe place" will forever be lost. She is so tired now and just wishes that she could accomplish the ultimate "fix" for everything that is troubling her from past, present, and in the future. There are times where she wants to attempt something different, to experience adventures in life, to explore her surroundings, and learn new things, but she knows that she mustn't do this. It would allow "failure" to sneak in and unravel all that she has managed to hold together. "Failure" is not allowed.

To be continued...

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